I did hard work, I didn’t work hard.

(~3 minute read)

This morning, I was moseying around my apartment. I was stopped in my tracks by my favorite picture of myself.

I stare at it for about 1-2 minutes each day because of the “baby gabi twinkle”. It’s in my eyes and extends to my cheeks. (Even down to my little dancing hips before I knew they were dancing hips!)

Around that age and for the next 20 years or so after, everything starts to blur. That twinkle in my eyes went dark. I lived, breathed, and survived things I don't wish on anyone. And once I turned 14, I learned how to live, breathe, and survive a chaotic trauma of my own making.

But that’s because I believed it was what I deserved. 

At the beginning of this year, I was sooooooo over myself. I had started enough fires and burned enough things down to realize that my baby gabi twinkle was off.

I felt lost.

I felt like I abandoned that twinkle. And, it also felt like someone robbed it from me.

It mainly felt like I didn’t have what I needed to turn it back on. But this year, I was willing to do whatever it took to turn it back on.

This required the courage to change from who I was, to who I could be. 

For years, I had been avoiding things that were hard for me.

I don’t have to work hard to pick up the phone and call someone. I literally move my hand and dial the phone number. But it felt like a hard thing to do because it required courage. I put myself in a vulnerable position to be seen and heard by someone I cared about. 

Courage alone unlocked a whole new life. I felt like a phoenix.

I cried in front of strangers. I asked people to get coffee because I wanted to build a relationship with them. I called my parents every week, just because I wanted to hear what their lives were like. 

In an avant-garde, ultra-poetic way, I had to "kill" myself.

Turning my light back on can be boiled down to one sentence: I killed the version of myself who worked hard, which birthed the version of myself who can do hard thing.

I killed thinking as a means to control and escape experiencing emotions. I killed the pride of looking like I had everything together. I killed high expectations that demanded me to perform "right now". And I for sure killed isolating my struggles from my community. 

I couldn't have done this without a power greater than myself. I turned my thinking and worries over to Them, to get a life filled with light and community.

But! Before we say ciao, back to the photo… 

A few days ago, I accidentally slipped it out of my hands and the rest of the image revealed itself. Not only was I holding my little hips like Little Miss President, but I was sitting! Something about seeing the full image really melted my heart.

What I want to leave you with is that sometimes we don’t get to see the full image until after we’ve done the hard thing. The reward and the vision come as a result of the action, not as a result of the thinking.

To whoever reads this, my prayer is that you find your way to your inner baby’s twinkle. May whatever is lost, find its way home to you.

See ya next year doll!