how shame can keep me self-isolated
(~3.5 minute read)
Y’ALL! Sometimes, I be like, “this is it”.
But THIS sugarhoneyicedtea right huuuuurrrrrr…is REALLY it.
Now first! Some context.
I’m on day 6 of a 7-day fast. I’m drinking water during the day, and breaking at sunset for dinner. No tea, no coffee, no matcha, just water babes. Dinner is whole, simple foods, and vegetarian. And honestly, it’s giving spiritual download after download.
Earlier on in the fast, my bestfriend hit me up to see how the fast is going. Of course, I get into the nitty-gritty. I share how this fast has made me realize I use “me time” against myself. It quickly turns into self-isolation, and I don’t like the way I feel. I actually don’t need as much “aLonE TIme” as I think, but what I really crave is meaningful, intimate relationships with people.
As someone whose self-isolation habits were not only enforced, but celebrated, it was sort of scary to hear myself say that. But then my bestfriend REALLY ate me up with this one:
“Self-isolation for a lot of people is directly correlated with shame”.
I was like “Oh my G0d, I can’t believe she just said that!”
And then I was like “wait… yes… I am ashamed that I’ve been holding so much to myself, that now, all of a sudden, little old me wants to be in community with people, be intimate, and share space.”
Wow. For all of my self-isolaters reading this, let’s pause.
This is MAJOR.
Now it gives me/us something to fight against when I/we feel the urge to self-isolate.
You might be wondering “But 7 days is boutta end girl!” (Cause I’m lowkey like, “7 days is boutta end God!”)
But instead of rushing to be this “person”, I’m choosing to meet shame as an opportunity to change the narrative. Cause she still comes my way!
Here are my takeaways:
Shame is an opportunity to admit. To push past feeling “ashamed”, we have to first admit that we’re ashamed of something. Ashamed of our laugh, hair, socio-economic background, etc.
Own that shame! Own it like it’s your fill-in-the-blank. What we don’t own, owns us. And you don’t deserve to be owned by a narrative you didn’t make up.
Shame is a feeling, and feelings aren’t final. Whatever I’m ashamed of is only final if I allow it to be.
Once I decide to admit and own that shame, it’s a fuel source to do the thing I truly want to do. Once I admit I’m ashamed of my laugh and I own that I have a big laugh, it’s lost its power. Now I can laugh freely and accept that that’s part of my Spirit’s expression.
If this work makes you curious, I encourage you to research more about Brené Brown. ALL of her work is about the shame we carry and how it alters our decision-making.
I am by no means an expert. This is only the beginning for me. I can honestly say so far it’s been scary and uncomfortable. But it’s also led to someone offering to make me a meal and take me to an event, helped me be productive for my clients, and, of course, connect with new people who actually care about my evolution and well-being.
Don’t let shame keep you small. Make it make your world bigger.
