self-love is overrated if you’ve never met your real self
(~4 minute read)
whewwwwww, this one’s gonna get rrreeeaaaaallllll dark before it gets light. So hold onto your handlebars, and just ride with me.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on certain behaviors that were self-deprecating. Basically, the urge to self-sabotage and ruin a “good thing” (I hate the word “good” but for lack of better words).
As I’ve been reflecting, I realized I acted on those urges to preserve a sense of myself I am familiar / comfortable with. But that version of myself isn’t who I actually am.
In this process, I listened to this Vic Mensa episode on the B. Simone podcast about his sobriety. He talked about how he didn’t love himself because he didn’t have the space to nurture who he really was. So when he got older and that authentic part of him was yearning to come out, he abused it with drugs and alcohol.
My theory is that he concealed this version of himself out of protection. He was afraid that if he revealed it to the world, nobody else would think he’s as cool and lovable as he does. Instead, he did something everyone else does that’s “cool” and “lovable” – take a million shots to the head, shoot coke, and party like a rockstar.
Uhhhhmmm, holy f u c k (I try not to curse lol). That’s super real.
Think about how many times you’ve concealed your one, true self out of fear that no one would accept it? Out of fear that you wouldn’t belong. Fear that you wouldn’t belong if you reveal that one, true self to the world.
If you’re reading this and you can relate, you’re not alone.
I’ve recently made more intense commitments to resist the urge to self-preserve and self-soothe. But, you might be wondering, how do I know the difference? How do I know when my “familiar / comfortable” self is seeking self-preservation and my one, true authentic self is seeking existence?
Well, I’ve had to “meet myself”. I’ve had to introduce my familiar / comfortable self to my one, true authentic self. There’s a lot to be appreciated about the familiar / comfortable me. She was a warrior, who got me through some really tough experiences, and I’m grateful for that. My will to live persisted because of her.
But now, the other bitch is banging down the door (so much for not cursing, but my Higher Power is working on me).
I’m going to share 3 ways I have been “meeting” this version of myself, with grace and kindness.
Setting aside 1 hour each week to do activities that intuitively speak to that authentic version of myself. I know these speak to that version of myself because I’m calm and regulated, not bouncing off the walls. I loooooooooooveeee playing outside so almost anything that involves a child-like outdoor activity, I’ll do.
Exploring alternative coping mechanisms. That familiar / comfortable version of myself buried a ton of emotions and truths about how my story made me feel. But what we bury, doesn’t sink. It’s innate design is to float back up to the surface. Whenever I reach for something that I know won’t make me feel good after, I’ll speak to my Higher Power. I get serenity from her and maybe do something differently, like go for a walk or color.
Being specific with myself about how people’s words and actions make me feel. People pleaser is becoming a fad term. I prefer to use the word “agreeable”. I’ve done such a great job at being agreeable. It’s a protective mechanism against getting my feelings hurt. But emotions are what make the human experience, human. And being human is not a defect. I don’t need to rid myself of feeling, I just need to manage my emotions.
Now, you might be skeptical of whether or not these things really work. I completely respect that (as a fellow skeptic myself).
But any great skeptic, puts things to the test. So put it to the test.
But only do it for yourself. Don’t try to prove my theory wrong or right. Go in with a curious mindset. Believe that something will change. Something that you couldn’t have imagined on your own.
