Love is patient. Love is kind. But God forgot: Love gets messy.
Okay okay, don’t come at me with the pitchforks. God didn’t forget this because He doesn’t forget anything. (The headline is cute or whatevaa.)
But in all seriousness – this one is aches. I mean deep in the bones aching. Like “I didn’t go to the gym today, why does this hurt so bad?” aching.
For the past few posts, I've been focusing on love. Choosing love. Setting ourselves up to love healthy. All things love.
But I want you to know the hard truth.
Yes, we’re choosing to practice love over hate. But that doesn’t mean we’re getting ourselves out of a mess. In fact, we could be getting ourselves into more mess (sometimes).
Today, I want to get into where most of us make a “u-turn” (for lack of better words).
There’s a point in the practice of choosing love, where it gets messy. Our insecurities and that “thing” we thought we “figured out” come up. At the same time, the other person’s “thing”, avoidance, and expectations come up.
This is where it can sting. Ache, bruise, all that. Love gets messy folks.
When you’re practicing love, it means you’re only telling yourself and the one(s) you love the truth. And baby, oh baby, the truth is not always pretty. And it hurts.
And practicing love only ever gets messy because love is real. Love is honest. It is truthful and uses integrity. We have to tap into a real place for it all to work.
Tapping into a real place means allowing every part of yourself to have a voice at the table. Your critical, romantic, dreamer, rageful, and all the other parts of self you may have.
Your critical self may say, “It’s not safe for you to have this convo because when you were young, confrontation got you in trouble.” Don't u-turn. I repeat, don't u-turn. Instead, become curious.
Ask yourself “What?” instead of “Why?” Ask yourself “What are you trying to keep me safe from? What do I physically feel before I confront someone I love? What does confrontation mean to me?”
From here, emotions will come up. Inhale and exhale through them (literally). But push yourself to stay in the mess because you are capable of coming out on the other side.
Here are 4 tips to stay in the mess:
Use non-violent communication. – I’ll let BayNVC’s trainers be the expert on this subject – click here for the guide.
It’s only temporary. – (If there are any pro-tips I forget, it’s this one.) When you’re in the thick of it, the “struggle” feels permanent. That’s because we’re present (wink wink, this is a good thing.) Stay self-aware, but breathe through it all with this reminder.
Things get messier before they get clean. (aka it gets worse before it gets better.) – The only way to get to the clean side, is to figure out how to clean it. Because this is a learning process, we have to allow ourselves to make mistakes as we go. Give yourself the benefit of showing yourself that you can make things cleaner as you go.
The only way to learn this process is to practice it. – Some things in life you can’t learn through observation. This is one of them. Look at this process as a reflection of how much you strive to be the best version of yourself. When you choose to learn this process, you’re going for the gold!
Now, my friend, this is not easy. You only shorten the learning curve and strengthen the muscle, the more you do it.
But you will surprise yourself. You know more than you think about your emotions. And how to navigate these conversations.
This is the best way to allow more space for more love in your life.
It gets worse before it gets better. But I promise, it’s better on the other side.
