.love knows no bounds, but we have to.
When my buttons are being pushed, I lean into that angry frustration-cry. My brain is like "This is a personal attack!!!!!"
But hol' up hol' up hol' up, okay hol' up.
Lemme be clear - I am choosing to lean into that angry-frustration-cry. I have the power and ability to make choices in these moments. Soooooo why are my emotions getting the best of me?
It’s because I am allowing my emotions to get the best of me. All of a sudden, I'm the one vibrating at a low frequency. Making all types of self-sabotage tactics. (Like when someone says “We bring out the worst in each other”).
Instead, I can choose love.
And yes. It’s true!
Love is a choice.
It is a frequency and state of being. It can be conscious or subconscious.
To some, love feels like a flash of lightning that hits us without warning. It takes over. Consumes us. (Cue 1960's Hollywood faint). Then makes us say things like, we had “no other choice”.
But love does not take control over us. (Anything that takes control over us is not love. If love “moves” us to do something out of turn, then it ain't love friend. It’s a trauma bond.)
“I had no other choice” is a story we tell ourselves to excuse our actions. In these moments, we can choose different. We can choose really anything - hate, infatuation, compassion, you name it.
Now the funny thing about love is that it’s infinite. And it knows no bounds (it’s even blind to some).
But even though love knows no bounds, we need to. We need to know boundaries to protect the love we have to give and receive.
Next thing’s next:
We decide where love lives in our lives.
Let’s jump into an example.
Let’s say your parents stay projecting. First it's their deepest fears about what it means to have a sustainable lifestyle. Then it's "If you make a mistake, we gotta pay for it." Or "You can't keep up that lifestyle with the money you make now". (Like tbh, maybe shut up?)
Okay listen up and listen good friend – we are adults. What works for you, may not work for them. What metaphorical shoes fit you, don't fit them.
Instead of the innate seed of love that exists between parents and children. The resentment creeps in. Then the hate starts. Now you're sitting bitter.
Resentment, hate, and bitterness are not a result of your parents projections. They are a result of your lack of boundaries.
OOOOOOOOO. DAAYYYUUUUNNNNGGGG. That one hurt me to type. But the truth hurts and I ain't a liar.
Remember, love is a choice.
And if love is what we want to be the “main thing” in our relationships. We have to make choices that support that.
Boundary setting is not easy. Here are a few things I wish I knew about boundaries so I did not have to learn the hard way:
How do I create boundaries? Start with your needs. – Let’s say you’re dating. You know you need your personal space and me time. It recharges you so you can always show up as your best self. Then a boundary might be no texting or calling after a certain time so you have that time to recharge.
Boundaries are for you. Not the other person. – Let’s revisit the parent example. Your parents might genuinely struggle with being nosey. So when you set that boundary, it is not to teach and show them how much of a bigger person you are. It's so you depersonalize why they act the way they act. Plus build compassion for their struggles, and cultivate a life of more love and peace.
Your boundaries will get tested. – When you tell that "new someone" you don't look at your phone after 10:00 PM because you need to recharge. Guess what? They will call, text, and FaceTime after 10:00 PM. They want to know what the boundary is made of. Iron and steel, or pillows and blankets? Is it built high, or low enough for me to hop over? (Pro tip: Stay true to your boundaries.)
"Boundary" is a funny word. It does not sound like what it means.
Sure, it creates a barrier. But in a weird way, there is freedom and peace in boundaries.
In the bigger picture, it keeps what is most important in the relationship at the center. Love.
And it is difficult, but love is worth it in the end.
