They don’t want to (and can) change the ick, what should I do?
So you and x person (partner, friend, parent) got into a bit of a quam. A quarrel of sorts. And for the most part “hurt feelings” have come to a resolve. You've done the whole non-violent communication model, taken accountability. Then apologized and even did your hugs and kisses.
Now you’re both at a neutral. Buuuuuut….
The person says "I know I hurt your feelings, but I don't want to change this about myself."
So what do you do?
Breaking news: absolutely nothing.
“Wait what!?!?!?!!! OMffggg whyyyy?? Ugh My life is over.”
*Inhale exhale*. Don’t make any rash decisions.
Leave them exactly where you found them.
Our egos believe we're entitled and “powerful” enough to change people. People who have gone out of their way to speak the real words that they do not want to change.
When we try to change people, we’re not exerting power. It’s manipulation. We're trying to control the outcome to a fantasy we've created in our mind. Also, it’s simply not you talking. It’s your ego.
Now what we (not our egos) have the power to do is honor the journey of growth and evolution that person is on. For some reason (that has nothing to do with you and is not personal), the desire to not change is working for that person. We do not have the right to interfere with that.
Let me give you four pro tips to help you walk away from that ick.
Assume the “observer” role. – Notice what made you feel icky and hurt. Then call it what it is. No judgments and no assigned meanings. “Every time I start talking about my day, he’s looking at his phone. This is not good or bad, it’s him looking down at his phone while I’m speaking and that makes me feel unprioritized.”
Speak the reality out loud.– Remember x person has clearly said they do not want to change. Name that out loud so that the reality is where it’s supposed to be – out and about and in the real world. “He does not want to stop looking at his phone while I talk about my day. He says he is a multi-tasker and is listening. I’ve asked him to change because it hurts my feelings and makes me feel unprioritized.”
Feel those emotions!!!!! – This SUCKS!!!!!! No this is not an “everything will be okay” moment it’s an “I want to crawl into a hole" moment. Make that real by feeling those emotions (the quicker they hang, the quicker they leave).
Accept the truth. – This might require some journaling. What is your truth? Is your truth that you want this behavior in your life and it’s worth tolerating? Or is your truth that this is not worth it and feels best to walk away?
My friends this is no easy task. It requires extreme vulnerability to own and walk in your truth. (And walk away from the bs.)
We don’t change because someone asks us to. When we want to change, there is a desire to look within first. Then a practice and active effort to resist old behaviors, to create a new ones.
This requires high self-awareness. Even more, it requires accountability, discipline, and (repeat word coming in) desire.
People who believe your relationship is more important than their ego will show up. They will change and have that desire. You won't have to start a good-for-nothing argument or beg them.
Make space for those relationships to come through and walk away, respectfully <3.
